Opinion piece and Pinterest board by Meghan Feir. Photos by Meghan Feir and Jesse Trelstad.
MSUM English/Mass Communications
This article is exposing the ugly side of downtown Fargo. Don’t read this aloud to your children, small dogs or party animals. Don’t read this if you party every weekend at the OB or the Hub and would get offended at someone questioning your already questionable choices. Without using foul terms, I will try to explain a portion of this community’s “nightlife.”
Fargoans continue to emulate TV stars’ lifestyles
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to reenact anything seen, heard or done on “Jersey Shore,” but it’s probable that numerous people in every city in America are attempting to do just that.
For anyone in the F-M area determined to get their slice of Jersey pie, places like the Hub and the Old Broadway should satisfy their appetite. There you can find girls dressed in tight dresses or skirts that could expose their derrière if they bend down more than a centimeter (which they do). You can also find guys with popped collars and sunglasses, though the sun never shines when these joints are open, as they prey on their next victim.
If you go to the Hub, you can peruse the different themed rooms that provide the same outcome: drunken adults (if you can call them that) hitting on each other and stumbling over their own feet while spilling beer on the already sticky floors.
How to fit in
If you, for some reason, want to “stand out” while looking like everyone else in the vicinity, here are a few quick steps to make you look the most guidaliscious.
For the men: How to look like a guido
Step No. 1: Gel it up
Where’s your gel? Get it. If you haven’t already dyed your hair jet black, I suppose you can do that at a later date. For now, work with what you have, but gel it up in as many spikes as possible. Make those spikes reach toward the sky, ready to impale anything that may try to land on your head. Let dry.
Step No. 2: Squeezing in difficult, but worth it
Find a polo that is two or three sizes too small for your body. Put it on, or at least, try. You’ll get it on eventually. Get help if you need it.
After you’ve squeezed your body into it, pop your collar, of course. Even if you don’t body build or have any muscles at all, hopefully the constricting shirt will create bulges that resemble biceps.
Step No. 3: Leave your scent
Whatever fragrance you have handy, spray your entire body so you really raise awareness that you, the party, has arrived – the more pungent the smell, the better. Compare your presence to that of an Abercrombie & Fitch store – scent levels so overwhelming you could faint or get high just by walking passed the entrance.
Step No. 4: Get your orange glow on
If you don’t have a spray tan already, don’t fear. You can use some quick self-tanning products to give you an orange glow.
Step No. 5: Let the bling show
If you have any giant rhinestone earrings, make sure you wear them. Girls love diamonds, so the glimmer from your ears will draw them toward you like flies to sticky tape.
For all the single ladies: How to be a guidette
Step No. 1: Better to be smooth than sorry
To first prepare yourself for what could be a wild weekend, make sure you’ve shaved, obviously. Since your legs will be on display, advertising as you walk, they better glow and scream smoothness.
Step No. 2: Find the perfect dress
You’ve been maintaining your unnaturally tan skin the entire winter so you can hide the fact you’re a Scandinavian, so make sure you show off your hard work. Wear as little as possible. Find a clubbing dress that sticks just below your butt. Strapless is best, but if you get cold easily in these winter conditions, you could wear a dress with straps for extra warmth.
Step No. 3: Voice lessons are a must
Make sure you practice your Dakota Girl accent before stepping outside your door. I have confidence you’ve already mastered it, but practice speaking while you’re in the shower, just to make sure. This fusion of Valley Girl and Fargoan tonal inflections, pronunciation and the rest will be sure to attract, like, the guido of your dreams, or at least, entertain him for, like, the evening.
Step No. 4: Makeup your mind
Now that your voice is ready, let’s make sure your face is. Apply enough foundation so your face can be easily scraped off at the end of the night with a flat-edged spackling tool. After you’ve matched your body’s orange hue with concealer, foundation, setting powder and blush of your choice, it’s time for bronzer. Bronzer, bronzer, bronzer – I can’t stress it enough. Glow, girl. Glow.
After you’ve used plenty of the brown stuff, move on to your eyes. Make sure you apply enough. You should barely be able to tell you have eyeballs with all the black you’ve used around your eyes. Lips can be left nude. Just use some lip balm in case you meet anyone else’s smackers at some point in the night – which should be one of your goals, right?
Step No. 5: Walk this way
Shoes are vital in the grand scheme of your ensemble. They have to be at least five and a half inch heels, preferably higher. Buy platforms any cross-dresser would be proud to step in. They should sparkle. They should make you look like a newborn fawn when you’re trying to walk. They should display your need for a man to hold onto (only attractive ones, though, but it can be difficult for some to determine aesthetic beauty when they’re already plastered).
When you return to your women’s studies classes the next day, you can just use the excuse you don’t need men, you just enjoy being a sexually empowered man-eater, like all great feminists should be (though you still wish he’d text you already).
Playing the part: You’re almost ready to leave your front door
Well, boys and girls, you’re almost ready to go out on the town. Aside from these simple rules on how to look the part, you must get into character by actions, as well. However, don’t worry too much about this aspect of the transformation. If you drink enough, you will play the part perfectly, especially if you pretend you’re Snooki, or any other icon embodying party central. Extra brownie points go to anyone who wakes up the next morning confused in a strange room or jail cell.
All joking aside: Run for your life, lock your doors, use your pepper spray
Walking down Broadway after 8 p.m. can be risky. Tread quickly, especially if you’re of the female variety. I recommend having a male companion with you (not one you just met) or a stun gun (legal in 47 states) at all times. Expect various drunken men to pay you a little too much attention if you do decide to go out after the sun has set in the Fargoan sky.
Pinterest board here to help
In case you need visual aides to help you acquire your look, check out this Pinterest board. It will help you on your quest toward looking the most guidaliscious.
(Edited by Lauren Tollefson, MSUM multimedia journalism major)